many names in history (none of them are ours)
by thequibblers
Summary: they are both lonely and confused and it's kind of given that they turn to each other for comfort. ― hannah/zacharias


title from richard siken's _crush._

wrote this at night when i should be in bed, so i'm sorry for mistakes. unbeta'd, as always.

all rights go to jk rowling.

* * *

"you will always fall in love,

and it will always be like having your throat cut,

just that fast."

― catherynne m. valente, deathless

* * *

He bites her lip and she moans into the kiss, the vibration making him more eagerly. He presses her into the wall, his hands slightly running down her waist, stopping at her thigh. They both break apart to catch breath and she leans her forehead against his, slowly opening her eyes, both their breaths calming down.

"What are we doing?", she whispers, and he knows, he knows she doesn't mean their current situation, _shit, _it has been like that for weeks now, no, she means them, she means _what _they are, strangers, friends, lovers? His mind is blank, he doesn't know, he wants an answer, he is so _desperate _to find out what they are that he lures her into empty classrooms at night, and kisses her and she doesn't object, she kisses back and, _fuck, _this isn't what he wanted at all.

"Zacharias?" Her voice brings him back to reality, and he stares at her, takes her beauty in (not that he'd ever say that to her), notes how her eyes are still darkened with lust, watches as her chest heaves up and down, admires how her messy hair can still fall so beautifully over her shoulder, and he stares and stares and stares, takes everything in, not wanting to miss anything. He counts the few freckless on her nose (thirty-five), notices how the pink blush on her cheeks is a contrast to her pale skin, watches her long eyelashes, and he could do this for hours, getting lost in her.

She still awaits an answer, and he gently pushes himself off her, taking a step back.

"Don't know", he shrugs, and turns away, not wanting her to see tears starting to form in his eyes, because this is wrong, this is _so wrong, _he uses her, her can't develop feelings for her, it started out as a harmless fling.

"Zach", Hannah starts. He quickly wipes the tears away and turns around, realizing she hadn't left her spot, leaning against the wall.

"I'm sorry, Hannah", he says and she gives him a quizzical look, one which meant _'for what?', _she doesn't need to say the question aloud, he always knows what she's gonna say anyway.

He shrugs again and sits down on the hard desk, leaning back on his palms, avoiding her questioning glance.

He hears footsteps, and he looks up to find her walking towards him, her eyes mixed with so many emotions, and he knows, he is the cause for all of them.

"Talk to me", she says in that _freaking soft voice, _but no, he can't talk to her, he fears if he opens his mouth, he'd tell her everything that he's been holding in for the past few months, and he can't let her know how he feels about her now, can he?

So he hops off the desk, and she mistakes this as an answer, as an _'I want to talk, Hannah', _but he takes her hand in his, and slowly leans forward, leaving a soft kiss on her lips.

"I'm sorry", he whispers, and his hand leaves hers, and he takes a few steps back, watching the tears spring into her eyes and roll down her cheeks and realization hits her and he just wants to go up to her and kiss the tears away, _make the pain go away, _but he can't.

Before she can say anything, he turns around, leaving her in the cold and dark classroom, walking back to their common room, not once looking back, and only later, as he lays in his bed, listening to the quiet snores of his roommates, only then he allows the tears to fall from his eyes, while thinking, _'It should have never been this difficult', _and he swears under his breath, and he curses himself for leaving her and it was only a fling, and he thought she was the most beautiful girl in the whole school, and he had hurt her, but it was okay, he hurts everyone in the end, even himself.


End file.
